This was originally published by me on my personal blog, I am now sharing it in a few other places, such as on the pagan_parody LiveJournal community, The Magick Word and on Paganism Australia. Please respect my copyright, it found at the bottom of the piece.
The Charge of the Pagan Internet Pervert
Now listen to the panting voice of the Pagan Internet Pervert,
who is lonely and old and called among men
Wanker, Slimeball, Geezer, Predator, Flasher, Creepy, Degenerate, Uncle Fester,
Deluded, ChoMo, Opportunistic, Pathetic, Chester the Molester, Peeping Tom, Wikkenhawk*
and many other names (many of them not suitable for use around children).
At his playgan altar he mourns his lost youth
and sacrifices an infant after the manner of Crowley and cries in his Elderberry wine.
Whenever ye have need of an old timer who once heard of the clitoris, back in about 1970 it was,
once in a month (he wishes, ‘coz that’s about how much Viagra he can afford), but more likely when the moon sprouts trees
Then ye shall assemble in some secret place (gods forbid anyone see you with him)
and bestow upon him the Mercy Fuck, which occasionally old opportunists get a young pagan chick to fall for.
There ye shall dissemble, ye who are desperate to have your willy touched
yet have not had thine willy touched in decades, except by thine own hand.
To those I will teach the secrets of auto-erotic asphyxiation (but hopefully not the secret of reviving oneself before death occurs).
And ye shall be free from dignity;
as a sign that ye are free of common sense as well
thou shalt pursue barely legal teens on teh intarwebz
and ye shall do a song and dance routine taught to thee by Fatty Arbuckle & Roman Polanski, all in the praise of spooky occult-flavoured sex
and also for the anonymity of the internet
until you get caught for loving children in sweaty ways.
Keep pure your KY jelly, for it shall hurt to wank if contains traces of salt;
Strive ever towards your shelf of $ilver Ravenwolf books, if your cane takes you that far
For yours is a secret that shall land thee in prison, if the feds find out
and the bane of all witches and pagans everywhere
whose communities you contaminate in pursuit of gullible teens falling for the old “occult initiation” spiel.
I am the Pagan Internet Pervert
who buys gifts for web cam strippers to get around those pesky laws against prostitution.
Upon my keyboard are traces of gods only know what bodily fluids,
and an overflowing wastebasket with sticky tissues towers behind me,
and nude pictures of Fiona Hosebag Horne are taped to my walls.
Nor do I demand that you really be pagan
for the assumption of a convenient & misunderstood label to get laid
is all an opportunist and predator really needs; nor do I really even know what pagans are.
Hear the heavy breathing of the Pagan Internet Pervert
he who often inserts his altar candles up his bum, but swears he isn’t gay
but he may try it once or twice, particularly if the teenage boy has long, blond hair and a kewl pagan name like Raven or Merlyn.
I am he who is saggy and befuddled
and can’t remember where I put my glasses, which is why I keep several pairs stashed around the house
and in my fanny pack for when I go out for walks in my sandals and long socks (yet otherwise skyclad).
For I am the soul of declining ethics and sexual desperation
as I get older and my kids forget to visit me at the home.
From me are long and rambling stories about my imagined sexual prowess of my youth.
Let my waning libido be celebrated unto the ages
or at least until Matlock comes on.
Let there be semi-nekkid pagan chix and hot oil rubs and jello wrestling,
Wet t-shirt contests and naughty nurse games and much recitation of Cunningham books.
And you who seek my erection may find it with an electron microscope,
but know that such seeking will arouse me, but may cause a stroke.
But in the greater scheme of things it will be no big loss
for the pagan and magick communities have enough problems without Wilford Brimley trying to dance Maypoles and chat up witchlettes, and pretending to be the pagan Hugh Hefner.
For behold, there have been opportunists like me plaguing your communities since time began,
and I am that which should be kicked in the nuts
and banished back to sniffing bicycle seats at grade schools.
* I have been asked about the term “Wikkenhawk”. I made it up in October of 2008 in response to a certain pervert who was harassing young on a pagan forum. A wikkenhawk is a creepy, opportunistic old geezer that trawls neo-pagan, witchcraft, Wiccan and magick communities trying to convince people to touch his willy. Preys especially on young & gullible newcomers, wiccabes or wiclettes. If you’ve been in the neo-pagan or occult communities for even a little while, both in meastspace or on the 'net, you’ve surely seen one or more of these guys.
©2008 Rachael M. Roth. (aka SunVenus) Please do not share, repost or reprint this without the exclusive written permission of the author. To reach me, send an email to la235 @ hotmail.com (remove spaces to email). This is a spoof of the lovely "Charge of the Goddess" by Doreen Valiente. No disrespect is intended towards anyone other than the occult/neo-pagan predators (aka "wikkenhawks") described by this prose. To them I say you are getting off lightly, IMO. You ARE being watched.
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